GIRLS AREN'T FUNNY.

Adam Carolla recently sat down with the New York Post. Here is a full transcript of his interview.*

NYP: While working construction in LA, you once had to talk down a guy with a gun. What went through your mind?

AC: Unless you’re rich, life isn’t really worth living. Now that I have money and my life is full of wonderful things – unlike other people, people who are not rich, or people who are battling serious mental health issues and diseases or people who can’t afford a flat screen TV and good cable package – I think that I deserve to be alive.

When that incident happened, I was doing blue collar construction work; in other words, I was useless and totally disposable. Rich, famous people understand the value of life, and life is better when they are around. Poor, uneducated people can live or die, it doesn’t really matter.

NYP: Is your relationship with your mom really as bad as you say?

AC: I do things right. I am an amazing father, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I am able to raise my children in a life of extreme privilege (although it is worth noting that my one example of quality time takes place in the pool, a luxury most people do not get to enjoy).

Any flaws I have are the fault of my parents, and any success I have achieved is completely in spite of them. I’m on TV (and therefore, am an important human being) and my mom doesn’t have TV (and therefore, is a bad person).

NYP: The lesson you learned from a sexual harassment seminar was “Don’t hire chicks.” Do you hate working with women?

AC: Yes, I do hate working with women, but this is a news publication, and I have enough of a grasp on self-preservation to know that I shouldn’t just come right out and say that I absolutely don’t think women are capable of doing well in professional setting.

I am a shitty person who uses my own limited, biased worldview to make general statements that discourage young women – including my own daughter — from pursuing creative ventures. Affirmative action and political correctness is the only reason any minority has ever gotten or will ever get ahead in this industry. Also, girls aren’t really funny. 

NYP: The “are women funny” debate has grown very contentious. You’re not worried about reactions to this?

AC: Look, certain things are just true.

All black people are good at sports, all Jews are physically inferior, and ladies are basically only good for sex. None of this stems from deeply embedded, antiquated stereotypes perpetuated by small minded and self-absorbed people like myself.

The fact that certain women have become major voices in the comedy world is a fluke, and not emblematic of women being able to succeed in circumstances where they are given the opportunity and encouragement to do so.

Joy Behar, Sherri Shephard, and Roseanne Barr are old, black, and fat – respectively – and I have no interest in fucking any of them. As a direct result of my lack of sexual attraction to these women, I don’t think they deserve to be successful. On the other hand, voicing the parrot in Aladdin is a measure of where I’ve gotten today. 

Read the Original Interview here.

*this is a rough translation, and one created by Chloe Ifshin.