January 2013
4 posts
3 tags
Goodnight Nanny-Cam By JEN NESSEL AND LIZZY RATNER...
In the great green-certified room There was a smartphone And a silver spoon And a picture of—
A high-contrast, brain-stimulating black-and-white moon
And there was a musical concert by Baby Mozart
And high window guards And French flash cards
And a fireplace safety gate And toys without phthalate
And a sterilizer and bottle brush and bowl full of organic mush
And a bilingual nanny who...
4 tags
FALLING OUT OF LOVE WITH TWITTER BY Maude Apatow...
I used to write more, before I got addicted to technology. I was going through my old journals from elementary school, pre-cell phone, and saw that I wrote so many short stories and poems. The excuse I tell myself is that I don’t have time, but that isn’t true. I do have time, but I am wasting it reading tweets and looking at Willow Smith’s Instagram. The amount of time that I spend on my phone...
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I AM YOUNG, VAPID, AND WANT TO COMPLAIN. BY...
First, I will complain about things I have total control over, from my fitness level to my terrible taste in men. Then I will complain about being accused of having control over these things. Finally, I will ask the question on all of our minds: why do non-athletic elastic waistband shorts exist?
I am out of shape. I used to be able to run seven-minute miles and now I blame the heat and my...
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5 Types of Single Ladies By Danielle Page {Thought...
I Am…Sasha Fierce
The Single “As F*ck” Lady
You’re so single right now that if some mysterious benefactor dropped two box seats to a Giants playoff game into your lap, you could not think of a single guy (not related to you) who would join you. You RSVP stag to all events that invite you with a plus one, because there is literally no one in your graveyard of a contact list that you’d even...
December 2012
10 posts
3 tags
A Post-Christmas Memo From Santa to His Staff By...
TO: UNDISCLOSED RECIPIENTS; ELF MAILING LIST; NORTH POLE STAFF FROM: MR.CLAUS.HOHO@GMAIL.COM SUBJECT: VACATION INFORMATION AND A THANK YOU Hey Team, I wanted to send this note as a thank-you for all of your work over the past couple months. I know integrating our new Naughty/Nice List database has been hard, but it’s about time we took the office paperless. I want to tell you all how much I...
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Literally The Best Thing Ever: The Mindy Project...
The Mindy Project is a show where the lead gains confidence by channeling a warrior named Beyoncé Pad Thai. It is a show where teenagers at a swanky high school have a class called History of Dubstep. It is a show where a bright blue alcoholic drink is compared to the liquid used in pad commercials. It is a show that is, literally, THE BEST THING EVER.
First things first: It’s on Tuesday nights...
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AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ELF ON THE FUCKING SHELF. By...
Dear Elf on the Fucking Shelf,
You’re a book, a doll, a keepsake box. You’re an iPhone app, a newsletter, and a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. You’re everywhere.
You’re a fucking nightmare.
When I was pregnant I made a list of things that I was going to ban from my house upon my daughter’s arrival: Barney, Crocs, Tickle Me Talking Elmo, all other battery-operated toys, and light-up...
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How to Have A One Night Stand By Sarah Walker...
First, sleep with someone. They could either be someone you know or someone you don’t know. It could also be someone you sort of know. Just make sure that it’s someone.
Then, wake up in the morning and realize that someone you know or don’t know or sort of know is in your bed. Register that that is strange. Almost against nature. Play a game where you pretend like you’re a huge creep and stare at...
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15 Questions I Ask Myself at A Bar By Sydney...
Bars fascinate me. The drinks cost four times as much as they should, the music is never quite what you had hoped it would be, and everyone seems to be there to either a) hook up or b) get married, but the a’s rarely meet the a’s and God knows the b’s never meet the b’s. These are universal truths that we all know and understand, yet we keep comin’ back week after week, like cows to the crowded,...
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AN Open Letter to People in Coffee Shops In the...
Dear People in Coffee Shops in the Middle of the Day,
Hi! I have a lot of questions about you! See, like you, I am one of the people who can sometimes be found in a coffee shop in the middle of the day, and I cannot help but wonder about my café-squatting brethren. I mean, I know why I am here – I am a writer and sometimes I get bored writing from home and thus a switch in location leads me to...
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Learning From A Real Teen At NYC's Jingle Ball By...
My first Jingle Ball — a holiday pop extravaganza hosted by the Top 40 station in most major radio markets — was actually a “Deck the Hall Ball” held in Atlanta in 1998. Barenaked Ladies headlined, and the Cardigans were trotted out to play that one song that every girl knew from the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack. (No regrets. “Lovefool” forever.) My second Jingle Ball was last Friday at Madison...
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Flick Chicks By Mindy Kaling {The New Yorker}
A few years ago, I sat down for a meeting with some executives at a movie studio that I will call Thinkscope Visioncloud. Thinkscope Visioncloud had put out several of my favorite movies, and they wanted to see if I had any feature ideas. I was very excited. I have a great job writing for “The Office,” but, really, all television writers do is dream of one day writing movies. I’ll put it this way:...
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FUNNY WOMEN #68: SCENES FROM REALISTIC ROM-COMS By...
Because in real life, sex can be boring…
***
INT. OF DIMLY LIT RESTAURANT, NIGHT. An attractive woman in her 40s stands up and bursts into tears as she sees a man walk towards her table.
KELLY: I can’t believe you came! Twenty years I’ve waited. There was never anyone but you, Ryan. You’re the one! You’ve always been the one!
RYAN: Oh man, I totally forgot about that. I just get takeout...
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Looking Your Best By Amy Ozols {The New Yorker}
People say that obesity is an epidemic in America, but I’m determined not to become part of the problem. That’s why I’ve spent years perfecting the secret to a trim and attractive physique. My foolproof system involves just nine easy steps.
Step 1: Avoid what psychologists refer to as “emotional eating.” This is hard, because many people have a tendency to experience emotions. To solve this...
November 2012
6 posts
2 tags
CHILDREN’S-FILM SEQUELS AS IMAGINED BY FAMOUS...
Shrek 4 by Woody Allen
Shrek (no longer Mike Myers. Me? Failing me, Ewan McGregor?) is a disenchanted oboist living in a land called Far, Far Away (for our purposes, Far, Far Away is Scarsdale). His wife, Fiona (Téa Leoni speaking like she’s not a goy), can no longer satisfy him in bed. The two struggle impotently under the covers. Shrek puts on his glasses and makes a wisecrack about how sex is...
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FUNNY WOMEN #59: LOOKING FOR BEST FRIENDS, M4WW By...
Craigslist is unfiltered potential. It’s criteria gone crazy. In a single day, you can get ripped off, score free kittens, uncover the silent majority of our population who haven’t figured out the meaning of “platonic,” and buy a stolen bike. It’s the ugly common experience to which we’re forced to return, like the DMV. So we may as well take it to the limits of its utility and chip away at the...
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A Mass E-Mail By Amy Ozols {The New Yorker}
Dear All:
Before I begin, I’d like to apologize for sending a mass e-mail.
I’m writing because I’ve lost my cell phone, and I’d really appreciate it if each of you could reply to this message with your phone number, home address, and any other pertinent information I might need to get in touch with you. I kept all that information in the cell phone that I lost. I never wrote it down on a piece...
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A Fakesgiving Feast By Emma Allen {The New Yorker}
“Thanksgiving is not easy,” Sam Sifton warns turkey tyros in his new book “Thanksgiving: How to Cook It Well.” Handily enough, Sifton, who was the restaurant critic at the Times for two years before becoming the paper’s National Editor in 2011 (food + America = Thanksgiving expertise), has produced “a primer on how to face down the Thanksgiving meal… a Thanksgiving ambulance in book form.” With a...
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The Five Ways the 'Friends' Thanksgiving Episodes...
As we’ve discussed, I’ve been a fan of Friends since I first heard The Rembrandts’ “I’ll be There for You.” But one of the staples of Friends is the Thanksgiving episodes.
I don’t know if this was a conscious decision on their part (though I’m assuming yes) to always do a Thanksgiving episode, but I find it to be amazing. What’s great about Thanksgiving episodes rather than Christmas episodes is...
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Post-Apocalyptic American Girl Dolls, by Rebekah...
Meet Felicity!
After the 2770 Rebellion of the Virginias, all of America (including American Swaziland) is controlled by the reanimated head of Senator Robert C. Byrd. Felicity thinks this is wrong, but how can she maintain her convictions when her grandpa, a political crony of Byrd’s, and her white supremacist friend Emily think differently? It’s up to Felicity to find a way to hold both love...
October 2012
2 posts
3 tags
Say Anything (Say What?) - Five Teen Movie...
It has come to my attention that John Cusack held a boombox over his head at the Peter Gabriel concert, shattering a million teeny 30-something hearts in one fell swoop (and mine). He wasn’t wearing a trench coat.
Unless you missed the 1980s or are Justin Bieber and were born in the ’90s or another Disney star BORN AFTER 2000, let me give you a little refresher.
Cusack was reenacting his...
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The New York Times Announces an Editorial Policy...
Dear Readers, The New York Times has been a steadfast beacon of truthful reporting since printing began in 1851. Our slogan, “All the News That’s Fit to Print” applies well even to this day, though our definition of “fitness” has evolved as decades have progressed. It is with this in mind that we are making an important announcement. In a medium that not only prides itself on conciseness, but is...
September 2012
8 posts
2 tags
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE LOOK THAT SLOWLY FORMS ON...
Dear Look That Slowly Forms On Your Face When I Tell You I Am a Librarian:
The raised eyebrows and intake of breath fool no one. As a librarian, I am well aware that most people do not find my job an interesting topic of conversation at a neighborhood barbecue, music festival or, to use a more keenly relevant example, the cocktail party we both attended last Friday night.
I believe that those...
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Five Emotions Invented by the Internet, by Leigh...
A vague and gnawing pang of anxiety centered around an IM window that has lulled.
During this time an individual feels unsure whether they have offended the IM recipient, committed a breach of IM etiquette, or have otherwise spoilt the presentation of themselves carefully crafted thus far thanks to the miracles of the textual medium. The individual must be at least vaguely aware that they are...
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What to Expect: the Third Decade, by Summer Block....
Keep in mind that all adults reach their developmental milestones at their own pace. It is important not to compare your adult’s rate of development to that of his peers. The following list is meant only as a guideline and not as a cause for alarm.
By thirty-years-old, your adult will probably be able to…
Feed and maintain a house pet Hold down a job Maintain eye contact while speaking Refrain...
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A Petition to Dethrone Ice Cream as the Official...
When you think of a break-up, what do you think of? Jennifer Aniston standing naked in front of Vince Vaughn in an attempt to get him to move out of their apartment/be jealous? Misery, scorn and de-friending? Endless loops of Taylor Swift? More often than not, you see the same image in movies and TV depicting a break-up – a girl (or a boy, if you’reRobert Pattinson on Jon Stewart lamenting Kristen...
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Chick Fight, by Megan Amram. {Megan Amram}
Guy 1: Look at those chicks over there, dude. They’re getting in a huge pillow fight.
Guy 2: Man, there is nothing hotter than two chicks fighting! I’m so proud to be a dude with a chick-fight boner!
Guy 1: I prefer “boner-American”!!!! (high five like you’ve never seen before)
Guy 2: I hear you about the chick fight, and the fact that one of the chicks is stuffing her pillow with knives and tiny...
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A Mass Email, by Amy Ozols. {The New Yorker}
Dear All:
Before I begin, I’d like to apologize for sending a mass e-mail.
I’m writing because I’ve lost my cell phone, and I’d really appreciate it if each of you could reply to this message with your phone number, home address, and any other pertinent information I might need to get in touch with you. I kept all that information in the cell phone that I lost. I never wrote it down on a piece...
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10 Things That You Begin Doing When You Find...
1. Put on both mascara and underwear to run to the deli in your apartment building to get an iced coffee, because not only may you meet the love of your life, but what if you decide to go back to his apartment then and there, each clutching a large-latte-with-two-Splendas, and he realized you’re not the type of girl he wants to marry because you’re not wearing underwear?
2. Talk about how excited...
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Six Degrees of Separation from Licking a New York...
6. Absent-minded woman runs around Manhattan doing errands and needing her hands freed up to carry bags, puts her Metrocard in her mouth. She freezes, realizing that she just ran that Metrocard through the Metrocard slot-y thing-y. In the New York City subway system. Probably immediately after:
5. Man with Ripley’s Believe It or Not-length fingernails who has just run his Metrocard through...
August 2012
11 posts
3 tags
Rejection Letter by Alena Dillon. {The Rumpus}
Dear Writer (although we both know I’m being wildly generous with that title),
Certainly you are aware that Haughty is the largest magazine in the world, so we must assume that your submission was a mistake. Yes, we at Haughty are magnanimously assuming your submission was a mere slip of the finger, a twitch you really should get checked out.
You see, and don’t take this personally, you are...
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To the Guys in the Garden Apt: I Think I Hate You,...
Dear Neighbors,
Everyone has a right to a Saturday night, but—especially as summer approaches—please try to remember that you live on a very residential block, and when you start blaring the Killers, U2 and Kanye West on a constant loop from 2 p.m. to 5 a.m., it can make your neighbors want to throw things at you. And I have. Eggs, cream, cheap whiskey, sticks of gum, clumps of cat litter. Who...
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Ten Tips for Making a Viral Video, by Amanda...
So, you want to make a “viral” video? Congratulations! Luckily for you, I have ten easy tips that will give you all the secrets to internet fame and fortune.
1. Own a Cat.
That’s right. All you have to do to make the internet your bitch is to show them your cute pussy. Ew, no, not that pussy - that’s an entirely different and WAY more popular segment of the internet.
2. Get Will Ferrell to...
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Features I Demand in a Home After Watching HGTV's...
Granite walk-in closet Stainless steel armoire Functional paint Duplex master suite Jack-and-Jill-and-Jeremy sinks Man yurt Massaging deck Bedazzled countertops Convection nursery Gas-burning sink Non-sexy neighbor girl who can babysit “Dream. Laugh. Love” room Lap pool table Triplex master suite Sensual backsplash
[[MORE]]
Read the full piece here.
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Brag, Build, Banana, by Wendy Molyneux. {The...
One woman’s search for everything across India, Iran, and Iceland… excerpts from my extraordinary upcoming novel of self-discovery:
Prologue
It was fall in Como, Italy. The leaves were changing. The peasants smelled of freshly baked bread. The spaghetti was in season. I was married to a handsome and generous man whose salt and pepper chest hair reminded me of salt and pepper. Every evening he...
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A SUBURBAN MOTHER TELLS HER 14-YEAR-OLD BABYSITTER...
Guest List
Everyone knows that a successful party starts with a great guest list. It should be diverse. Eclectic. A mix of people from all walks of life. I know you’re fond of those pasty losers from the Robotics Club, Ashlee, but trust me: shotgunning cases of Mountain Dew and reprogramming the neighborhood’s garage doors does not a wild teenage rager make. Instead, reach out a little and ask...
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Airplane Passengers As Explained by Their Pants,...
Wool Suit Pants: Will board before you.
Wool Hunting Pants: Will board after you.
Pleated Dockers: Will loudly talk on cell phone about ROIs and vertical markets.
Pajama Bottoms: Will be flying either to or from a city with a Señor Frog’s.
Sweatpants with Dallas Mavericks Logo: Will clog one or more bathrooms.
Stained Yoga Pants: Will be carrying a screaming child.
Stained Gymboree...
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First Love, by Lena Dunham. {The New Yorker}
On August 17, 2010, the writer received an e-mail from her ex-boyfriend’s mother. Its subject heading was “Goodbye from Nancy and Bill,” and the message informed her that her ex-boyfriend’s parents were blocking her on Facebook. The writer was dumbfounded. She promptly unlinked her Twitter and Facebook accounts. The main result of Nancy’s Facebook rejection was to send the writer down memory lane...
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That's Absolutely Not What She Said, by Leah...
The infamous “She” of the “That’s What She Said” jokes has released a new tell-all book making shocking claims about the joke’s validity.
“No, I did not say that,” She [her real name is totally irrelevant] writes on the book’s cover and throughout the nine-hundred page point-by-point refutation of things She’s never said. “The joke takes a normal situation and makes it uncomfortable and juvenile...
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Dearly Beloved, by Susanna Wolff. {The New York...
…The bride and groom are writing their own vows and will make them even more generic than the traditional marriage vows… By the grace of whoever’s God, and with the help of not-actually-Champagne champagne, attempts at dancing will follow.
[[MORE]]
Read the full piece here. (Paywall)
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Six Breakfast Cereals Argue Why They Should...
Life
Let’s get real. Unless you plan on keeping your kid in an ivory highchair forever, you have to teach him about sharp edges. Problems don’t dissolve as soon as your saliva touches them, like those flimsy Os do. Just try drooling all over that lien on your house and see how far it gets you. I’m tough, stringy, and make your gums bleed. That’s why they call me Life. I’ll show your baby that he...
July 2012
14 posts
2 tags
Re: Interesting Article, by Marisa Carroll {The...
Dad,
Thanks so much for your most recent email! It’s been awhile since we’ve last spoken (no hard feelings, it was White Sox season, I know), so I can hardly express how great it was to see your name in my inbox, especially once I saw the subject line.
“Interesting article,” eh? I’m still chuckling over that “Is Feminism Over?” op-ed you sent when I declared my Women’s Studies major as well as...
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I Am the Intern Who Reads All of Your Mocking...
I’m trying here. I’m really trying. I go to business school, I keep up with stocks, I spent my January food money on a new suit from Men’s Wearhouse that I’m required to wear for all of my presentations in classes. Give me a break.
I want to be a businessman. A mogul. My name is Brian, and I am the intern who reads all of your mocking tweets at the official Taco Bell Twitter account.
I get it. I...
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How Sushi Are You? by Anonymous. {SWMG)
Sushi (adj) – Someone who is A-MAZING, possesses all of the qualities of what is stereotypically jappy, but is not necessarily Jewish. Obviously, this person LOVES sushi. You don’t have to be female to be sushi, but you almost certainly have a direct relationship with a member/ thousands of members of the Sushi 12 Conference:
UPenn Cornell Emory Michigan Wisconsin Indiana BU Wash U Syracuse GW...
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My Attempts at Sexting, by Jilly Gagnon. {The...
My boyfriend recently informed me that I might be approaching this “sexting” trend wrong. I’m not sure if I agree. See what you think:
SMS Message sent 5:18 PM Just wanted to remind you that we have penciled in “maybe some sex” for later tonight. Get excited.
SMS Message sent 5:30 PM Thought a sexy picture might get you in the mood.
SMS Message sent 5:32 PM Sorry, that was actually a funny...
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Index Magazine Interviews Fran Lebowitz, by...
DAVID: So, in the spirit of Halloween, tell me your most vivid Halloween memory.
FRAN: You mean my childhood memories? I was very interested in Halloween as a child. I have no interest in it as an adult, which I think is appropriate. DAVID: Dressing up and all that?
FRAN: Even having fun, I find, is not adult. I used to plan the entire neighborhood’s costumes. One year I organized...
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An Open Letter to Every Woman Who Lives, Laughs,...
Dear Girls who Live, Laugh, Love,
Tell me how it happened. I must know. Were you walking through the mall one day, and something in a home and furniture store caught your eye? It was a bronze picture frame, wasn’t it? It was classic, antique-y, very Martha Stewart; not something she’d feature in her magazine, but maybe something she would keep on the screen porch of her beach house in Maine. You...
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My Imaginary Wet Hot American Summer, by Elissa...
Even though I’m Jewish, I never went to summer camp. A popular girl in the sixth grade called me “Pizza Legs,” because of my purple spider veins and red splotches and moles—bright, textured flaws that looked like pizza toppings on pale skin. During a pool party, I refused to get in a swimsuit, and a different popular girl called me a lesbian. What did a lesbian look like, I wondered. I guess they...
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